Downer Patrol

You ask me why I find myself ugly - why I beat myself up, and this is why;;

Look up these following words; beautiful, sexy, hot, attractive, etc. Will you be able to find anybody that looks remotely like me in all of those search results? The obvious answer is no.

Look up these words next; cute, adorable, childlike, etc. You will find pictures of people that resemble me. Why do I have to be known as a child…

Look at me and feel a beastial lust for me, an uncontrollable need for my body. You can’t do it. Nobody can. Want me without me needing to do anything….

To Conquer

I Came, I Saw, I Conquered - Julius Caesar.

In this life of nothing, where I sway from side to side forever I have finally found someone that may not stand by my side and see me through to the end of my days but in the deepest parts of my mind I hope he does. You and I can do so much together, we can put a large hope into world peace - number 48 on my top 50 things to do before I die. For a bonus, my 51st thing to do was accomplished, as was my first. All thanks to you.

(Written at Centauri): 51-To tell him how I feel. 1-To fall/Stay In Love.

Heaven is in your hands, as blunt as I seem it is so. The rain always reminds me of you because of the first day I met you. The heavy downpour washed away my sorrows with your smile - smitten right away, I was. The puddles beneath my feet felt like waves of hope for me. I forgot all of my real life and entered into what reality is NOW I walked right out of the past into the curtain of the present - or ‘the future past’ as I like to call it.

These words aren’t making much sense. This is a jumbled thought. Thoughts, rather. Two-three weeks left of this glorious, confusing, summer and then only ten more months after that will I return to this blissfulness. Yet, I know for a fact we will not just walk away from each other. Even if I was taken from your arms for years at a time I will still be settled into your heart. “When you think you’re free, that crack inside your fucking heart is me”. It will always be like that, I will always be there - remember that. If not physically, here I stand mentally and emotionally for you with all my parts open for you to see. This is who I am, for you. For me. For the world.

Whenever you miss me goto the window and look out at the nature around you - yes, even the urban nature counts. Do this and hopefully you will feel me as I feel you when I view these things through my eyes. Sooner than we think we will be able to be together for as long as we would like. Days, weeks, months, however long you wish for me to stay. I would shatter my plans for you - but I don’t want to, I just want to add something to my plans.

You make this broken soul feel so beautiful, this swollen heart feel real and this pale skin feel more alive than ever. You are nothing like my Lestat…You are my Louis. My morbid thinker, my disillusioned writer, my confused poet, my revolutionist, my saviour that needs saving, my obsession, my addiction, my hippie reborn, my indie stoner. If you let you be mine. I can be everything for you.

I have never normally written about my feelings this much, about a guy this much. Wow - I am truly getting pathetic.

Well, My Personal Madman…If you let us, we can conquer the world.

My Only Dream

The wind passed by me - no, through me. Yes, I felt it, the cold chills racing in between the pores on my skin so pale yet taught. My legs were stiff, but still I ran as it felt like my heart was being wrenched and my hands were tied behind my back, tied like the tightness inside of my lungs that disabled my breathing abilities almost completely. A knife was stung into my back, it burned and seared through me and every time I opened my mouth to cry out no sounds came to me. This knife construed in me pulsed so much blood out, it slid down my body like water down the basin of a waterfall. All I knew was pain, it was the worst I had ever felt and I didn’t know what to do besides to keep running. So I ran.

Then came the point where I knew I could not turn back - the point where all I knew was foreward despair and so I fell. There was a hole where I fell down and I thought it would never end - but wait, was I really falling? A hand gripped mine so tightly and pulled me back to my feet. My legs slowly unstiffened themselves as my weary eyes found what they needed and my heart was released, the pain slowly eased. Two long tentacles flew around me, telling me that it’s okay. I felt the knife fall down and clatter to the floor, a distant pang off in the distance no longer distracted me. And then once all of my pain was released in these arms, I bleed once more. This time I bleed for you, and as it courses through my veins and down my body you catch this blood and make it into your own. There we stand - forever in time, frozen as it were.

This was my only dream.

Rose of a Gypsy

With rain followed by immediate bright sunlight we dose ourselves in doubt, feeling the cold rush of wind through the taught veins in our bodies. We push our skin closer together, wanting to feel each other pulse and breath but nothing more. If we felt more, if we had more what would we be at? Our confusion would spread and therefore create an unknowing situation, one that would be left alone and unsolved for far too long taunting at the back of our heads. That is why we do not go far.

Walking in the path of nature we begin to handmake the paper that make up the books of our lives, bound by uncertainty and random glorifying happiness. Here we stand, and here we sit. Sparkles fall down upon us as the pen begins to write, swiftly swaying back and forth, left and right between the pages that are quickly crumbling. We think we have enough time, to lay here and do what we will and not have to move. It is a lie, but we ignore it and waste our precious years in true bliss and ignorance. - the pages are now burning -.

Stare into the fire, try to find the symbolism behind it. Is there any? You sit there, striving to figure out what it truly means. And yet, it truly means nothing at all. There is not always symbolism in everything, there is not always hope in times of fear, there is not always love deep beneath the hate. Sometimes, there is just nothing at all.

*Shadow Soldier Unite* (Old)

Some kind of revolution is coming after the armageddon and during the propiganda of some corrupted government situated lie that destroy’s our lives and wails out a battle cry of sudden silence in the most curcial death of our thoughts that incases us all in the same society but different classes of honour and pride. This secrecy of mine is ewer solace in hell and the all eternal life. Kill me now before my eyes must bear this cold hard fate of the humanity of this world eye’m forced to reside on. There seems to be no escape but the many facade suicides of my daily life. Kill the screaming, kill the beast from within my black heart. Now time to wake…Up!!!

This world is the garbage can for wasted formalities, building up and feeling an immense decay. Some sweet sensation urges us to live on and to not dig the knife into the moonlight skin stretched across our wrists which hold our life-line. Learn to live with passion and forge those false laws that itch at the skin under our revealing garments. Ewe think ewe’re hiding all ewer secrets and wurds when we stare at ewe with scolding eyes, written in blood, and in pain, and in shame above ewer closed eyes that describe ever fetal self. Harm is scratched deeply into ewer thigh, where those lonely emo tears slide down onto. Eye hate the way ewe act, eye hate the way ewe look and feel about this world of ewers. My wings expand into enormous beasts that capture ewer lies and web ewe inside of them. Some feeble death of my suicidal self takes place before ewe and all ewe do is smile expectedly. Kiss these wicked lips one last time which have my victims blood tearing down from them. Eye am reborn, into something bigger and stronger. Along with the good lonlieness inside my heart because eye finally rid myself of ewe.

My mission is to seek and destroy ewer sanity as ewe did to mine. If ewe wish to save ewer soul from a weak anarchy let the spiders claw at ewer eyes and crawl into ewer mouth. Swallow, eat them ewe filthy sinner! God is a fraud that reigns power over the weak and intimidates the strong.

Shadow Soldiers. Heed my words for eye’m part of ewer species, we are ready for battle as deadly poets with a knife and a sadistic smile we shall slice ewe. There is no surrender, my species. For there are few of us out there! This time is our act of revenge. Eye am ewer one and ONLY messenger so there is no telling ewe twice. We must protect and invade with everything we have deep within ourselves. We are but mere worms to secretly crush them all. We are not their slaves even though they point and imprison us. They can no longer hurt us, as one the parasites shall suffer and the traitors will fall to their knees before us. Our weapons are words, our battle cry is our emotions and the spiders inside. For that ewer now walking away. We are cannibles. We shall eat ewe. Wait, it’s not over…Why are ewe walking away from our posession?

Before Work (Old)

Crush the pact, enable the deaths and create a new society in which you yourself rule as Queen and bridge a nice aquaintence with those you truly loath. Your life goal shines before me as bright as the stars up above as you title yourself high and all powerful even though I could make you shiver with my stare of hate. Some kind of knowing has dawned deep upon you, stepping on my hopes and dreams as you squash those everlasting biblical lies and take out those who do not follow you directly for you feed on the weak and the strong give you theirs. My life is probably less than that of a peasent to you, my voice is just an annoying squeak off in the distance as I hollow to the moon for my salvation and demand my freedom like so many before me yet I am one to never give up and I am one whom bottles with anger and hate yet nothing else. When I look at your Kingdom I see power and money along with high class society, but when I stare you into the eyes I see fear and so much doubt hidden behind a facade which you have even come to believe in. The only thing that anyone should believe in is in themselves and in doing so believing in their abilities to take the next person up down until a new society is built out of rebellions and criminals, theifs, murderers, rapists, everyone is far from innocent in that place where the dead roam freely about in daylight. It is the perfect society for those who wish to repent do so by staying in line since normality is death and blood and slaughter and the more gruesome things that have come to your mind. Imagine a little innocent girl walking home at night…(Fast forward)…four minutes later she lay dead on the pavement of a dark alleyway with her skull bashed in and her blood still seeping out of her even though her heart has stopped and her eyes lay open with fear even after she is gone and her soul is lost forever wondering in that place of hers where no one could hear her horrid screams that pushed violently out from her lungs as she kicked and pushed as the stronger being viciously took her life right from under her nose. That would happen in your society where rebellion is rape and bloody murder. Whereas in my perfect place it is normal to do so, and there is no such thing as cops so what will those rebellious bunch do then? So next time you think of the perfect society don’t think of some happy place with happy families everywhere, think of hell on earth with fires bringing down homes everyday and families torn apart by war and soldiers marching the streets because that is the only true perfect society if you really put your head to it.

The Root of All Evil (Old)

We are derived from one place in time, one being of supernatural existance, and yet we do not take the time to understand or to even know at the least. Twisting and turning, our eyes are shut closed as our hearts are left open to hurt and default. We lie in the safety of what tomorrow and today might bring but for some reason forget about the past and decide to never look back, but life seems to be a mystery to all of us and we ask why?! The answer is so simple, it is set right before us! And I will even GIVE you the answer today, right here and now. This feeble existance of ours means something so much more, we all have a purpose and some of the purposes may be invisible though but that does not mean we do not have one, even I admit that I have one. When nothing can save your life, and if you strive to keep it there are things that have happened in the past that will ressurect you or bring you new hope or just keep you out of harms way and make sure you do not fall into those deep withering pits of hell or the trimupth of those blinded by heaven. Sweet sensations quiver these thoughts, do they not? Think about what you are reading right now, think that it is a real person with feelings and a mind of her own writing these words - a person that has been through things that most of you have not. I’m sick and tired of looking ahead and praying that fate will stall just for me, I’ve been through so many pictures and seen so many memories flash before my eyes that by now I feel like I know every aspect of my life and can read when and what will happen. Sometimes that is always not a good thing, sometimes that will hurt us and strictly damage us even worse but there is always an upside and for some reason most people tend to forget about that. Why is it that men and women dwell on that which they fear, loath, and the things gone wrong or the things that could go wrong? There is always happiness in someone’s life no matter what, it may be a person, object, pet, book, movie…anything…but just remember that there is always something.

Movies, they always seem unrealistic but if you hear about something that has come from a movie you just automatically decide that it is false immediately because you are scared of what could actually happen and that nightmare’s really do come true and not just your dreams. Some Otherland is far off from our view, but those who can see it are the blind, disabled, deaf, mutes, and the ones that stereotypical people call “crazy” such as myself. If only you could see it, you would understand completely all of what I have written. Now I have written once or twice before about the Otherland, and I wish for all of you to see it as I do and as the others beside me do as well. It is so beautiful and I cannot wait to rest there for eternity but something seems wrong about that thought now - probably the fact that it is almost impossible to rest there without you because you cannot see it fully. But what if I took you there? Would you follow as I so dearly hope, or would you turn away with a snide smile on your face whispering about how everything would be alright? All of these questions run vividly through my head as I continuously revisit this place. Golden shadows creep across this vacant city, with towering buildings of most beautiful stature and eyes so soft and warm along with welcoming with not a crime in their minds. Sand covers the floor, in the middle of the desert where the sun always bakes my skin to a nice touch where I feel blanketed in love and comfort, like sitting in front of the fire with you on a cold day. Everything in Otherland is completely beautiful and especially golden, for some odd reason but it makes me feel right at home. All wars go on outside of the walls, nothing can touch us like some magical being is cupping us in his hand.

+All You Need Is Trust, And A Bit Of Pixie Dust!+

(( Follow Me To The Otherland, Where We Can Be Together Forever… ))

Death Blooms (Old)

A sweet sensational death blooms, just like the morning flowers with trickling dew drops falling from the edges of the leaves from the early spring-time. Memories begin to come forth into your mind, bringing back times which were never to be remembered and yet those things said that were never to be forgotten. When we were young, we learned things that would build up our youth and blossom us into something great and like a butterfly we would gracefully arise and make the world of tomorrow a simply better place, but something dark has taken over that since then. Failure grasped at our necks, choking us from ever breathing in the scent of day any longer and night made us blind as we sheilded our eyes from that which we did not want to see. Vast distances now emerse inside of us, creating a voiding wall of pitch black holes and milky ways creep into our eyes showing the spacious thoughts in which you indulge yourself inside of feeding off those whom are weaker.

Scratches upon my arm tell a story of the past, where the ride was long but oh so short and ended all the too soon. When I got to the finish, I never wanted to leave the place of hell which I loathed so much..loathed so much to love it. A sheet of white covers the ground perfectly, ice and all and it looks so beautiful and takes my breath away. Smirking to myself, the cold air comes through the small cracks of the window and nips at my neck almost playfully, or tauntingly. Either one it annoys me a bit, kind of negs at me. An itch forms in the back of my ear, the kind that you get from listening to your loud music too long and my headphones were still jammed deep inside of my ears so I could block out those about me. The few friends I had there that I could talk to, just did not seem exciting enough and I would rather indulge myself into deep thought and plan my day wistfully. Something urges deep within me, welling up and surging forward. Is it pain? Regret, anger and hate? Possibly even love! Could you imagine, someone as dark as me and as demanding…could you imagine me in love? Many don’t think so, but when you hear my voice booming loud in affectionate rhymes..you will understand that doomsday is near.

Locked Inside

(Will be posting many posts right now…from my other blogs - I am trying to collect them all so this is old stuff)

This room seems so much smaller when your not in it with me, cradling my thoughts and resting gently against my rushing emotions that act as a waterfall in the deep woods of isolation which patter gently with the rain trickling down from the leaves of the large tree tops just overheard of us. Illusions wrap vividly around our necks, strangling us with these facades which hold our true selves together and string up the dolls which we cling to for some reason in the middle of the night when death is the only thing that we can ever think about. To dream is to live…

Dreams:
They elevate our minds to set a goal sometimes, but I’m talking about when we shut our eyes and close down our intelligence statures and sign off to the world. Oh! the beautiful colours and sweet horizines of tomorrow and the smiles of today and the laughs of yesterday fill our sleepy ears and make us look each and every way about us even though all we see truly is black. Only good times can be found here, but I don’t have much to say on this subject because all I’ve ever dreamt is those sweet murders of my mind which is plagued with nightmares. Nightmares are ressurection of the wicked…

Nightmares:
Grasping ahold of you, taking over your body and covering you in a sheet of hate and lies and deception of which you can’t back your way out of. Agression, hurt, and pain bubbles from the pits of our stomachs and races up to our eyes revealing all which is hurtful. Wishing so hard for your plain touch which excites the soul, and takes my heart on an exhilerating dance I bleed internally waiting for all that you can or want to give to me. Something may be lost in this transaction, my life may run out sooner or later but still this time here and now may scare me truly but madly enough I dance wildly within this dark place of abadonment as tears stream down my cheeks. Screams fill my silent lungs which surround my unbeating heart which dies slowly from the outside in - - - if I keep walking forward I’d be treading deeper water and raping myself with this adrenaline rush which now fills my veins. So scared, alone, completely freaked out. Nothing can save me anymore as I have collapsed on the forests floor of this dashing nightmare which carasses my body harshly and moves me gently with its winds. Death seems to be my only thought, and leaving you is the only thing I’m scared of. But too bad, because here you have left me and left me no other choice but to bring it on faster and louder than before. Boom. Boom. Boom. The sounds of drums off in the distance startled me as I took in my deep last breath and breathed out your name in a cursed yell which you ignored * A cry for help across the distance, forgotten and unloved *. The last picture in my mind, is the image of you with her and laughing gently with each other about this horrid death of mine in this deep nightmare. When I awake, hot tears are all I feel because this nightmare - is only a prophecy of the truth.

Mysty Shadow Soldier #23 - Messenger Courtney Mistress Acaia
+ Save Me From My Nightmare +

Cheers

Here’s to life!

We all know we love it, don’t we? Sitting here day after day wondering when the toaster is going to finish, impatiently watching the television weather channel before we goto work - rush rush RUSH. It never ends, does it? Or does it - can it, can we? Humans were not built for boredom, and that is true. We make up situations of boredom, we set them up for ourselves - why? We know we hate being bored. As a race there is no longer any distance for us to run, we have ran it all and back around again so where are we to go from here? That’s it - it’s over and done with now, simply that is it.

You say you’re not addicted to anything? That’s a lie. If it’s not substances (Which I bet it is) than it must be a person.

So I say cheers! Cheers to life and hating this boring damned world so much. Cheers to you and your addictions. Cheers to everlasting human stupidity. Cheers and don’t forget to Kiss this Box.