Unfinished Rantings of Hell

UNFINISHED DUE TO COMPUTER SHUTTING DOWN AND THEN ME LOSING FEELING FOR THIS ONE….WHICH IS THE ORIGINAL OF THE ONE BELOW. WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE SIMILAR PARTS TO THEM.

Your anger hit my like a brick,
I was left teetering on this edge
(remember the one I asked you to put me on?)

Too late, too long ago in a different place.
Left alone with battered lungs of dust,
How many more times can I lie to myself?
How many more nights can I pretend-
that these weren’t tears that stained my cheeks?

Hearing a tremble on the other end of this line,
you are regretting me and I am regretting me too.
Forgetting months passed like the seasons with them
Do you really think you can run that far and not fall down?

i will pull apart these structures,
shove them right back in your face
grieve until you notice me
Notice that I too am crippled from myself,
the harm just wasn’t done to you.

Life gets a little hard, how many times
have I said that one to you?
Instead of giving up and acting like a martyr,
why not help me off my feet so I can help you?
Distant hopes of future seem to shatter.

world slips around me and leaves me nude,
what is left is nothing I have ever experienced before.
My greatest fear is suddenly becoming truth.
It is all just because you do not feel like dealing,
with what you say is me and this harsh wind
Really are you that blind? open up your molten eyes,
the ones I have stared into so many times for hope.

It is everything, it is the world falling apart,
piece-by-piece it was neither you nor I
so to deal with it we can do it together.
No more raindrops will proceed through this door,
I will launch myself into attack and forget myself again.
Forget I exist, this happiness is but a feeble falsity.

My dust has been placed on the shelf, not guitars,
(their strings rusted off and fell to your bedroom floor-
the floor I gave myself up upon many times)
sweet kisses, touches left alone, whispers of promises…
You won’t find that anywhere else, undesirable.
Where will I find silence and solitude if not here?
oh, but life has plans for you and me together,
not apart which you seem so keen to place.

dances like fairies crippled wings float by my eyes,
you know the ones you cannot look into anymore,
We used to crash like dirt upon ocean seas.
Nothing is left of me anymore.

late nights of masquerades, sentences I string up no sense.
Substances forget my fragile state of mind,
friendships pass like fares to see you faraway
Of an abusive guardian, of rape, of blood, of unjustness,
these are the things I think about at night
(the ones that keep me up crying for all that time)

What Happens In My Head

just a blade, a little bit of blood – - please just a taste…
am I not a lot to have serenity, peace for just a moment?
Please, just a small little cut on the inside of my thigh…

you say you do not want to “deal” with my anymore,
neither do I. Nobody does. nobody every will want to,
but they do for a reason unknown to me.
To make themselves happy but when they have to make me happy-

Oh and what do I deserve? From experiences, nothing,
those late nights of sex and adventures in the woods,
The sheets I’ve come to rely so heavily upon,
the blood I hate that I want just like I want you.
Hatred for oneself will get us nowhere,
neither will pity for ourselves.

Acting like a fucking martyr of problems from life,
life is hard for everybody but what’s so bad about ours?

Memories of times too long ago to smell pulsate through me
Every single night when tears burn my chest with the vodka,
blankets pulled over my head as my nose bleeds lightly,
succumbed to a simple silent whimper in the night.

and What have you to cry over?

Short grasps of my hair left dead on my pillowcase,
the feeling of a guardian pushing their way inside of me -
a Distant hope gleaming too far off that turns its back,
Knives that cut into my leg with mercy of a reaper.
Friendships slip through me like water in the wind,
(nights like these who needs me to be?)
High school memories drip off like honey onto the pavement,
the one where He pushed me onto with a scream and sigh.

No regrets are to be had, I was already broken before he got to me…wasn’t I?

Did I break myself, at a mere age of 5?

Pressures of fingertips burning into my skin
Luscious tastes of fattened lips swollen from speech,
do my pleas and begging mean nothing to the world?

left alone, my greatest fear embarks from here on out.

I thought I had found salvation and happiness
(I knew it would take effort and time to reach glorification,
times have to get a lot worse before the sunlight shines)
Too bad He is not willing to see the shine when it’s now here,
I am pathetically on my knees here.

forget, forget, forget, forget.
I am begging you to forget stupid mind, stupid self,
I know I am stupid, it has been repeated thank you.
forget, forget, forget, forget.

something you say you cannot do anymore.

What is it you have to forget that torments you?

Years of intrusion and medical treatment,
deathly numbers of sickly nights that leap away from my head,
Un-promised failures rise and fall so quickly I can’t keep up,
TRYING but never GETTING THROUGH
to this deep dark place within myself I WANT TO RIP APART
Just so that you can stop doing what you’re doing.

stop everything from crying, bleeding, tearing down.

i will do anything to make all of this stop
(because I know you don’t care enough)
So what is it I have to do? WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO??
Forget another piece of myself, I can do that,
of course I can do that…..
…………………………….
…………another twig snaps somewhere in my head…………….
……………………………………

Just hold me in your arms again with tranquility,
Oh how proud you will feel of yourself and I of me.
To be like this when we once were dreaming of sailing away,
I to be your Wild Irish Rose
—- wilting, wilting, wilting into a place of mutilation and death.

you can kill somebody before they stop breathing
So I continue to breathe.

Let us hold each other really tight, so we don’t fall through,
I’ll do it as best as I can if you promise to do it too.
Trust will come and go but surely come back again for us,
Come on over here and stop behaving with such a fuss.

childish behavior, immature, not ready for this…

Love.

I love you, I really do. I love you, I love you.
We are in love with each other, not the ideas behind ourselves.
Don’t give up on that,,,,,,,what will I do after?

how can somebody with small to cry about,
small things to forget,
Give up so much easier than somebody
….who cries in torment of these memories every night?

Do you really want to get to that home of yours?
stop running away from it,
because it’s inside of twisted little old me.

A Plead

I feel collapsed upon this breath I take within my bed
my sheets are dabbed in stains of blood and you,
When will it end? My tired eyes cannot take anymore of this.
Just a little hug, a little touch upon your soft lips…
No, but I can’t. My limbs are growing weaker and my mind worse.
dance in my daylight so I can’t see when it’s night,
tearing down all bits of sanity left inside.
Lines of whiteness cover my nostrils for brief release,
of what? Of death and dying from the inside out?
Why has this happened to me, thoughts dangling downward,
snapping seems like the only solution as razors never worked.
Your depth in soul amazes me still to this day,
stolen away like the pattern on my ceiling
(one I know too well).
I am not asking you to leave me alone forever,
please just for now. I am begging you…

Somebody please come forward and rip me from this,
my mind is tortured like this beaten body.
My veins course what some never even see -
what decisions have led me to this place?
What decisions can bring me out of it?
I need help, a little hand just big enough to carry me
(only for a moment out of this hole).
I am surely begging you culprit…
please, do not leave me alone forever
- how could I ask you of that? isn’t this addiction?
just please leave me be for one moment,
my tired eyes need one nights rest…

Hebephrenic Days

so I’m wondering whose playing with spoons,
Singing these songs and strumming out tunes;
Filling our night with some sort of reprise.
Who’s deep within their own disguise?

Just a shadow stuck to our wall,
waiting with decadence to enthrall-
Creasing by with days of madness,
no limits, left all to transgress.

Who is it that treads down our street,
blackened holes that cover her feet,
A daisy in her hair with simple acquiesce,
the one who feels the sky oppress?

Where can I find you, flower girl?
I want to watch you unfurl,
Why is it that you are lost?
I feel your spirit slowly exhaust.

You think it was me now,
this too I disavow,
Can you not notice – I am not here,
at once it becomes so austere.

I do not exist,
Who is it to persist?,
to write and muse,
Never not confuse,
I do not exist,
‘Who are you?’, I insist…

Nuts and Bolts

So I get up. Lately the sun has beginning to scratch itself into my eyes and that has been my source of an alarm clock, this must mean spring is just around the corner. Pulling back my sheets I wash and dress to look like I look almost everyday but with something very subtle just to spice it up and keep those close around me on their toes. Vaguely I can recall what is being told to me, droned into my ears by some sort of machine everyday as I sit in a wooden desk only to get up and sit back down in another one. Tapping my pencil passes the dragging time.
Looking around at all the other blank faces, or those distracted by mutual boredom, I can feel my brain becoming a little more distorted each time and question everything I view around me. Why are we all sitting here when this machine looks at us as just another number, another letter, another bolt in their large desk that they think will get them somewhere. Maybe to some of these machines, we are another figure in their salary. I cannot help but think to myself of how depressing it is that I am actually seated calmly in these places five out of seven days of my week, spending my time doing what it is I do not feel necessary anymore. It is all just a veal-fattening pen so that they can prime us up and shove us into those neat little holes that have our specific numbers on them since birth, but so many people feel it right to blindly ignore this. Really, I am the one at a lose here because I can see the destruction of individualism within these instiuitions and it is driving me insane because I am forced to be in one of them. Forced to lay back and pretend everything will be alright whereas my insides are churning. When will a day arise when we no longer have to comply to the thoughts of our elders and we are able to do what we believe is right? This is not chaotic, it would just result in a truly free, individualistic society. I yearn for it, but I know that if I had it there would be little chance I would want to stay in it. Just as I, now, wish not to stay in this one.
Draping feelings of loneliness capture themselves in my eyes which begin to look dead behind faulty lines of make-up, they grasp for some kind of sanity in this daily life of routine and realism. Little escapes reach my fingertips on late evenings and short weekends in the form of metal strings, burnt pages, broken pencils, destilled laughter, soft kisses, and sheets of a substance that caress the soul I can only set free on the rare occasion.
Time slips like sand through my scrawny fingers that feel rather broken now. I guess I will have to let my feelings fade, this system will not change drastically anytime soon (even as everybody can now see the harsh effects of their actions). There will always be few of us who sit at the back of these classrooms with a contorted look on our faces as the teachers try to teach us something they barely have interest in themselves, questioning the reason for all of which is being shoved reluctantly into our heads. Will there ever be a time when the world will see true freedom and individualism? Is there a point where my eyes will befall on a true creative reality amongst human beings? Or will these strong vibrations of hope continuously be crushed and flattened by this machine? I cannot answer any of these questions, but I do know that I am not another bolt. I am a perpetual motion machine, restlessly trudging forwards throughout the mud begging for a long-lasting escape into a different dimension of self.

It’s time for a rant…

What we expect is nothing compared to what happens…

I saw not much in this future, when my senses were firstly adjusted I saw much more differently. Everything came so quickly to my vision like the winter that lapsed upon our relationship, us blaming everything ill on the cold nipping our windowsills that we vastly cover with drapes of unwanted glory. Time, simply inescapable, lapsed itself onto us in the worst way possible and we let it ride. Taking not enough advantage of the heat, the sun, the happiness and when dark clouds loomed overhead and we finally got to really know one and other it was already too late. Destined for these tears, these fears that tremble in the night under our beds shrieking up at us like we are infants chasing away our barely born dreams. We want only happiness – but how can we have that if we don’t have true pain and sadness first? You think we have had our fair dosage of hurt, but I think we deserve even more…but I will not be the one to bring it upon us this time, I won’t be. I was in the first place, wanting to get everything over with as soon as possible. How much do you regret? How much do you lie?

What is felt is never accepted…

All I wanted to do was flush forward all of these thoughts that ran tired through my open head, striving for control over this heart that so rightly belonged to you. Days of painted skies passed and we know they will come again…that is why we keep on fighting, even if our attempts are becoming pathetic (so are the battles). This is truth, these feelings are true, but you won’t have any of it because you are afraid of what they will make you feel. Time to accept that bad things happen, will always happen, but we just need to learn how to accept and no longer languish all our feelings.

What we say is barely what we mean…

Shattered feeble attempts crawl their way back to our doorsteps. Every time the tears glide down my cheek, you seem to feel a spec of wrong so ask if it is alright – I say it is. When will I ever be able to tell you the truth when it comes to that? If I say it isn’t, then everything goes to hell in a fucking hand basket. Hand baskets woven out of darkened bark dead long ago from nights too long. Don’t forget it if I say it’s OKAY and don’t overreact if it isn’t. My words are barely ever what I mean.

Even if for better, even if it can never be discovered – a lie is a lie and we should feel bad for them…

I am not stupid. And everybody lies. Some people not so much, and some people never lie to certain people. I can’t lie to you anymore, I am already sick of it when I have barely ever done it in the first place. If I have done it, you already know the truth. I can feel the lies dribbled from your mouth like rotting candy apples at that old fairground where you never went. There have been things you’ve said that are lies, your opinion and point of view changes too rapidly on certain subjects that I am afraid even I can’t tell which time you are lying anymore…but not all points of views can be truthful, now can they? When you are caught, you do the worst thing and continue to lie – do I really look that stupid? How could you feel so EASY about feeding me bullshit? How could you sit there and smugly reply with indecent answers that a child could think up, and a child could catch too. When I do catch, it’s all the worse…it becomes my fault. This isn’t right. Is it really too much to be asking? I’m just asking for you to be my partner, in all sense of the word…Faithfulness is not just about monogamy but also about being true to the other in their views of what is right and wrong inside a partnership.

To move forward we have to face our fears and forget…

So many times we have sat in this position with nothing left to say but crumbled sentences mashed out by pencils. Poetry can save our souls but not our minds, which I am afraid they are slipping each and every time. To be alone, to face these problems on my own…and what is yours? Tell me, maybe we can fully avoid them together, or face them together (which wouldn’t make much sense with mine, but still). Things have happened, it has been an equal motive. It switches back and forth, don’t be so fucking naive as to think it is all on me (or at least most). It seems like that but look deeper. If we could have taped the past few months, it has been totally equal. I have started, you have finished. Just like anything else in a partnership, it is an equal fucking effort. So lets just forget about who did what or who said what and just fess up to all our lies so that our slates can be clean again. I’ve done that, it’s your turn. If you say you’ve done that…I don’t see the end result…(the thing I’ve said so many time amongst tears, screams, and whispers).

Do I really have to give up what I am??? Do you???

What parts of us are we changing for the other? Is it even really that bad in the first place that we are CHANGING – NO. Because change is inevitable, and we have got to do it. Not separately, but we have to grow together onto one and other. I need love, care, tenderness, and most of all appreciation through words (writing and verbal) and actions. I need to know what I am is what you love, what is it I am? What parts of me do you wish to never change…if I don’t know…they might as well change…the parts I love about you I say too much (you’re sick of it, I know). So instead what is it you NEED, what can I do for you? You usually say nothing but be happy, what a lie. You wouldn’t be in the moods you are in if that’s it. Do you need me to shut up and lock away my emotions? Then tell me so. We can work around it, work it through together. As long as we calmly TALK about it, it should be just fine. We love each other. We are in love. I believe in us, and I hope you do too. So lets fix us every step of the way, every problem we run into (apart or together) lets make sure we fix it together not with TIME but with TALK and support. We just have to change the little parts of ourselves that aren’t really good parts in the first place. The parts that make us human beings of the lesser moral, is that so bad? I have to do it too, just as much as you have to do. With this petty sacrifice of badness will come the reward of true love that cannot die and will not die even if worlds separate us. I know you are probably thinking CORNY right now, but stop. It’s cute. It’s romantic. It’s love. If you don’t like it, why are you in it?

Are you ready? I am. Can we get going?

It is all just about changing for each other and growing together. If we are in love we should love each other most out of all. Missing you the moment you walk out that door right up to the moment you step back in. If it is about saying the persons name 400 times a day more than your own…then I’ll say it 500 times more because you know that the feelings we get when everything is just alright and the sun is up overhead…the trickle from the lake, the sounds from the woods behind us, staying up as late as possible hoping to see the sunrise (but never quite making it)….you know those feelings are so rare and you do not want to let them go. So don’t. All we have to do is work through these rough patches together and we will finally reach a point where bumps, hills, and curves in our road will seem like just pebbles beneath our feet barely scratching our skin.

Don’t you want to see me frolic in the open again, forgetting about my humiliation and shoes…dancing to an unknown tune in my head inviting you (even if you decline) to dance with me on semi-burnt grass of summer time on hills that are sometimes too tiring to run back up so we just lay at the foot of them? How much do you smile when I am sleeping and roll on top of you muttering about Harry Potter and Soy Sauce? Don’t let that fade away, let’s make those the only memories we make from now on and forget about the ones that aren’t like that….lets get going….

Lovely Snowfall

slithered down these halls like water,
weaving between all those logs,
They passed over me thinking I was just-
- another current condemned here.

All of these wooden doors are locked,
fending off my pleas to enter.
So he finds me swimming here;
lost beneath the tides of myself,
He presses his lips to mine
(slipping snow uncomfortably up)
My smell is tainted with nerves.

Problems phase by with trembles,
seeping out from under my skin.
I’ve lost myself in this place,
all the doors no open before us.
Oh, so the delinquency sets in…
We find ourselves fucking authority,
bracing life with fractions of love.

I can feel it in my head,
Pushing answers of subtlety forward.
He sauntered away with what was left.
Standing alone in these doorways -
the visions are too much for grays,
I have forgotten my name here.
There is no need for your salvation,

No longer lost amidst this chaos,
I create the waves around you.
There is this distant cry for help,
the snow will silence it.

Flicker Feeble Flame, Flicker!

We keep falling backwards

Miss Vicious

These walls are paper thin
I can hear them on the other end
trading laughs and silky smiles,
As I sit here far removed.

There is a needle in my skin,
how much more can he lend?
It feels like this road goes for miles,
The journey of us more lude.

They all just think I’m poor,
no hostility, no control,
just a never ending rapid
Of substances unknown.

I pick at this great sore,
disconnecting body from soul.
I remind myself of Sid;
my minds become a drone.

Made up of shaking nerves,
from those people on the other side
Still laughing at the state -
of feeble little me.

“What is it she deserves?”
(with this powder to confide)
I am nothing but what I am..as of late
Just another junkie is what they see.

Alone With Company

Tell me that I’m wrong,
that everything is just fine.
My life is at a stand still,
just give me the sign.
The one I saw so long ago,
in an old breakfast town
you never seem to regret,
when you get me this down.

Times fade from our hands,
warning me of my fragility
In this lonely desk-lamp room,
waiting for you to come to me.
Dancing on my insecure pain
you grin at this rain,
Daring me to go insane.
Your words fade with the wind.

I will do almost anything
for this not to be the end.
Fall from my sweaty grip,
leave me in this night to defend.
All of these tries are nothing,
the same as what is inside -
inside this twisted mind.
Tell me when you’ve lied.

Even when your arms are here,
(holding me like this feather)
Your voice is in my ear,
But are you really here?
Still by myself today,
an empty shell beside me
I put my love down to lay,
unable to go much further.

I simply think to myself,
this is it – all I have.
Everything begins to spin,
You must think I’m daft.
Treating me like I won’t notice
(or care that you’re not there)
when I need a loving feeling -
a touch that says you care.

Now is time to put things back,
put everything faraway
Scared that you won’t listen,
or what you might say.
Your thoughts in my head…
Well, they wish I were dead
Then those words on your lips…
the ones I wish you never said.