Kerouac Reflected

Deep within a limitless solitude,
the mind quickens where the body cannot
As perceived by those without eyes.
I will redefine these walls,
strewn up around me,
create a defeated personality,
to hinder to desires.
How do you expect God to hear your cries,
when you ignore the others?

To feel endlessly alone,
locked simply in this stanza
Words crawl over my eyes
that the light refuses to bear.

Why does society always constitute,
loneliness with sadness?
I am but in solitude,
slipping between cracks just to escape
But I am never truly alone
because those who love me
are always in my heart.

jagged walls find me here,
planks of rusted nail.
Cool blue painted over to calm this thrashing soul.
I just want to get away from it all
because loneliness brings true conception

so I bleed to escape
a crimson thick of life dries
ideally on my bed sheets
bleed to tranquilize the body
and smoke to get back at salvation.
Life is not empty,
like the company I keep,
but defiled and deceptive
to devote this time to repose.
Outside of this loneliness is the great
feeling of contamination

so to cut is to ripple the substantialality of existence.

Your putting yourself through a cycle of decay,
stop
think
reflect
you will become so sensitive
- everything will be a big event
Reality has lost itself again,
within this wall of solitude
it feels like a greed of ego has ended
—in these halls.
It’s funny;
I would ask you to join me,
but the Wheel
keeps turning.

Etc.

Haematophilia is not a form of self mutilation, so stop judging me. You too, I know you do.

The Saga of Trust

Living in the fear of loneliness,
a black wall compressing itself inward.
Your voice calls out and tells me this ‘truth’,
but I’m too obsessed to believe it so.
The bottle of this water freezes over as I sit,
thinking of you and all of these promises,
laid out like a deck of cards with both red and black suits-
the colors never matter, only their faces.

A worry tremor can be heard through the phone,
the dial tones become annoying after a few minutes.
This is the saga of somebody who is caught
between her sanity and the love she feels,
What good is a life when you are running around
never knowing what is real and what is not?

I am here in this same old room
patted down with strange bright lights,
it’s like an interrogation of the soul
Resided on by yours truly and the other lovers.
Of all the stables in my life I choose to lean on you,
a thicket of wheat tumbling with no direction in these winds.

Fly solo instead of flying haywire.

Is that really so? I have learned again;
It is my own inability to trust that holds me back,
holds back the ability to feel perfectly okay.
I should take your word for it and everything else,
have faith in this humanity I keep trying to save,
Maybe then one day they will start to have faith in me.

I have come to these mere conclusions,
that life is better lived in honesty
So at first believe that all whom you encounter are honest.
Simple?
I will no longer question but feel comforted with your answers.
This is my saga, care to join in?

A certain film entices the damaged, the lost,
the wounded of what is in your head
(a twisted image between these walls,
painted cleverly by your rivals).
I will sit and watch with the clocks ticking by,
holding your hand like a runaway child,
For being here is better than on the other side of you.

A Trust Exercise

To me your words fall off as lies,
a black paint peeling off only to stick to my skin.
My curiosity creates instability,
Are those thoughts still existent?
Am I more than what you’ve ever wanted?
What hides beneath those chocolate waves?
I need security to hold me up.

The walls of my past are crumbling,
I suffocate underneath the rubble
Eyes tear from the creeping dust
racks of memories cut me through,
His voice trickles out of the cracks.

Have you ever been used so severely
that you know nothing else?
(My knowledge of fetishes is disturbing
so many times have I been the tool,
just to fix some guy’s fantasy
whereas I know now just [u]me[/u]
is nothing in anyone’s desires
- why cannot I just believe
that you want me at most?)

Because I have a history of lies,
live in their thrashing seas
water filling my lungs as I yearn
for a certain darkness to surround.

When my voice matches my thoughts
an anger in you swells,
as selfish as you say you are.
My past holds chains on me,
too many situations gone wrong.
Given out my trust only to be wronged
more than I thought possible,
I fear it almost too difficult to do again
but I know I have it in me
- – but where? it is lost.
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Are you willing to understand it is not you,
that I cannot trust because of my own incompetence,
even though you should be the doubter if any.
I do not question your actions
just those thoughts (slinking in the background)
like many mens thoughts that have bruised me.

Are you willing to help me find what’s lost,
to ease these begging questions -
a void growing slowly,
a space between us
Are you willing to convince the broken?

Night Prowler

He pushes open the door with a vengeance,
the crack echoes in the hollow of my ear
A fear rushes up my veins but I shove it back down,
if I stay quiet enough maybe he won’t know I’m home.
As I sit huddled beneath the blankets I clamp my eyes shut,
tighter I pull myself closer with the lights turned off
My music beats and drones out his approaching feet,
his voice is heard booming in the next room as I tremble
It’s late enough for me to be in bed so let’s hope he doesn’t disturb,
I hear his drunken snores off in the distance
- like a strange comfort.
Tonight Isis has heard my pleas and I got my solitude,
no need to be close to smell the whiskey on his breath.
Still, it scars and hurts on these lonely nights
I am forced to live in tosses of fear.
Every time I see him I feel my innocence being lost;
his hands up my dress and his stench on my neck -
a heavy body weight pushing down upon me.
The bones broken and bruises left,
they are nothing compared to this now twisted mind.
His touch will always burn me,
his eyes will always rape me,
his voice will always shatter me,
his corruption murdered me long ago.
I will never be safe in the middle of the night.

You Are All I Need

We are all a lot of both
the trick in love is
to find light in the others dark.

I need relaxing and find it in your blackness.

It is hard to stay assured,
from a memory of your feelings.
Can we go back to
“Never, Never Gonna Give You Up” style?
The glimpses of it I get brighten my smile.

I never want to change my hair anymore,
just little likes will keep me happy.
I am proud of all of what I am,
your words will give me strength
behind that statement.

To fight if to breath hope into me,
a wild fire of love and summer.
Tonight, together we are invincible.

I have never felt a feeling like this-
my eyelashes on your cheek, kisses trailing,
hands entwined, don’t ever forget that
My smile is always there if you are.

I dream of future greatness,
a present mirrored artfully.
I dream of who we really are,
in a place we want to be forever (together).

Have your old dreams vanished?
I hope I answered them and much more.
Now replaced with ones of you and I,
of hope for your own happiness still.

So I ask one question
needing a sincere answer;
What do you dream of, my love?

Bittersweet

All I think about is your voice,
heavily dripping in honey.
I know you’ll always be my choice,
your heart worth much more than money.

Those eyes will trap me every time,
I am drowning in their deep seas;
You look ‘way as I’ve committed crime,
When will you learn that you are a tease?

The simple touch of your soft skin
makes me quiver and want more,
my lust for you seems like a sin.
Your every breath continues to lure.

I am ever so lucky,
to be able to love you.
For you to [u]say[/u] you love me,
even though it’s just lies on cue.

I am tortured each day
(even though I am with you),
With love’s sweet, lonely curse.