Miniscule Sense of Smallness

smallness;

constricted in a box,
walls too thin to breath
Windows looking out,
no room for mirrors
-Smashed on the floor.
Tiny reflections of
miniscule stature,
ill-volupsciously cursed.
Two small bumps,
curved over rib cages
shallow breathing air,
in and out of lungs
That fit into your hands.
Fingers that curl
around mine,
that crush wih accident
but true ease.
Brittle, frame of mind,
to match the bones
that lay within this
small, box of
constriction
confinement.

I want out.
I want to be free,
free of the ant-feeling
of worthlessness,
of being missed in crowds,
of not fitting,
of DOWN-sizing.
Of altercations.

Free of the mistake
that I am not a woman,
but a little girl still
pubescent.

Need For Numbness

And I cannot stop thinking of surrender to Death.
Oh, how quiet it would be in deafened solitude,
For I would welcome it with everything inside me.
To stomp out that flickering light left so fragile,
it would feel so sweet to bury myself in the ground
Or that rope, so arousing, as it burns through my neck.

And don’t dare ask me why if I do part from this world,
for you, my dearest of loves, should understand it all;
The pressure pushing down on my skin everyday,
the absolute need to physically please these vermen.
To be a better me and to look a certain way.
No more can I take the pain of inadequacy.

I long for darkness, the cool embrace of nothingness.

Desperation

You look to be on the verge of tears
Just from me indulging in my fears,
Ones that slice through me and deeply sheers,
my heart getting blacker by the years.

You hold me close and say “It’s alright,
Compared to the stars you’re just as bright,”
Yet, if others are e’er in your sight,
I quiver to the bones with such freight.

In your response there is some delay,
tis then I feel you don’t wish to stay.
I bite my lip and silently pray
that my arms only you want to lay.

In true love I do beg to believe,
how can I when so many concieve?
So in dark, deep pits you must retrieve
My bleeding heart for you to relieve.

Please, don’t think I try to make it hard
I don’t like keeping my feelings barred-
-Shoved underneath and left to discard,
S’all too bad I drew the losing card.

It’s torturous that my love for you I can’t show,
For my hatred overpowers all that I know.

A Woe of Want

It’s so funny how you can be so happy, in bliss, and then suddenly it all drops away.
It really lets you know how fickle emotions of the human being really are.

I’ve wanted you for so long, and now I know you never thought anything of me until after you had me. I thought at least maybe I was something to you. Something. Now I’ve been dropped lower than nothing.
You were attracted to the dark-eyed beauties, the typical brunettes with their sly smiles and toned skin. The ones I knew were all lies – because they told me so, in laughter. I would scowl in return. You liked the ones who spread themselves around.
I was a louder one, one who was never afraid to say what she wanted. A fair-skinned, sunlit hair, grey-eyed rarity. But my uniqueness did not matter. My ambition, drive, or intellect meant nothing. I was nothing to you before I shared your bed. Then you found out you enjoyed sharing my bed – I was experienced.

So what am I supposed to believe? You never were interested before you felt inside.

I close my eyes and let tears fall since my blood won’t run (I don’t know why, but my thighs are too thickened by muscle and my arms cannot bear anymore scars without disapproving questions). It is in these times where I now know that I was never what you wanted, only what you could have.

I would fucking give anything to have been something even slightly more. To be somebody deemed at least cool, at least interesting, at least slightly attractive. Something more than nothing. Something fucking more.

I would give anything to be her.

What Happens During Loneliness?

an empty inbox
an empty bed,
an empty home
an empty head.

Without My Louis

I thought I would get happier as the days passed,
then how come tears come harder now?
We talk all through the night, more than before,
it makes me delirious and smile so much.
What are you being now is all I ever wanted from you,
that and your honest love.
Everything I asked for has been completed naturally.

Remember when you said if you don’t do it naturally you won’t do it at all?
It seems natural now and fuck it makes me so happy.
Now that you’re not with me and I can’t be in love with you-
what’s the point of all these things making me feel good?
People keep telling me just friends is OK,
I’m dying inside here escaping through little breaths.
I have distractions and other people,
but they are not even fucking close to you,
who you are and what you fucking represent.

Nobody has made me feel better than you,
meeting you was the high point of my life thus far –
that means the fall from you is that much worse.
You say you worry about me now,
then why do you have to force us apart forever?
Time is what we need,
but “as time goes by
you say it’s been fun,
but it’s better this way…
it’s you that I need
and I’m sure it’s always been”.
I can’t stop listening to that song knowing it’s true.

Getting over you is the only thing I can see as impossible,
we just need our time apart to realize how much we love each other,
right?
We need time to grow into ourselves before growing together,
right?
You are the most important person to me and soul and I am to you,
right?
Right?
I’m falling between lines of sadness and smoke can’t even save me now,
only your words can even if they’re not what I want to hear.
Your voice is like the angel that is supposed to guard me,

pick up your phone.

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Wrong Hypotheses

and you think it’s depression,
That I hate myself
or maybe I am not satisfied –
Do you question yourself?
Perhaps the past has its toll on me.

and you think it’s us,
That it’s not quite working out
or maybe I don’t trust you –
Do you wonder if I truly love you?
Perhaps I hate what we have.

and you think it’s jealousy,
That I want to be different
or maybe just some parts –
Do you think I want to be somebody else?
Perhaps I would change if I could.

and you never think,
That it’s just natural
or maybe meant to happen –
Do you realize when I see her…
Perhaps I wonder if you truthfully
fine her more beautiful than me?

Reflective

I stand here separated
a mirror reflecting dutifully
Sharing its cruel image.
It shows what I’m not used to;
these strange appendages,
paper white skin
polluted purple scars.
Freckles and blemishes map
their way around my body.

I do not find myself ugly,
but when I look at myself
For some reason I can’t bear it –
and tears seem to flood my eyes.

Cursed with the body of a 12 year-old,
a mind too sharp to care about it,
but emotions too true to ignore it.

The You In Me

The drones of this routine life
causes me to revert to thoughts;
of your arms holding me close,
Chocolate eyes that say more
than any words, any lyric
any action.

So I try my hardest now,
to think of what life was before you,
but I cannot recall it at all
It seems like a distant, empty past.
My purpose is in tuned and tied
to you.

I close my eyes to dream
of the future for myself,
but there is nothing there if you’re not.
My hand presses onto the paper,
still all my ideas are of
your influence.

There are these dreams that I keep,
a hope that dwells;
Of a garden, picket fences
and rounded bellies with your hand on top…
Then I feel childish and stupid,
for wanting us forever.