A Trust Exercise

To me your words fall off as lies,
a black paint peeling off only to stick to my skin.
My curiosity creates instability,
Are those thoughts still existent?
Am I more than what you’ve ever wanted?
What hides beneath those chocolate waves?
I need security to hold me up.

The walls of my past are crumbling,
I suffocate underneath the rubble
Eyes tear from the creeping dust
racks of memories cut me through,
His voice trickles out of the cracks.

Have you ever been used so severely
that you know nothing else?
(My knowledge of fetishes is disturbing
so many times have I been the tool,
just to fix some guy’s fantasy
whereas I know now just [u]me[/u]
is nothing in anyone’s desires
– why cannot I just believe
that you want me at most?)

Because I have a history of lies,
live in their thrashing seas
water filling my lungs as I yearn
for a certain darkness to surround.

When my voice matches my thoughts
an anger in you swells,
as selfish as you say you are.
My past holds chains on me,
too many situations gone wrong.
Given out my trust only to be wronged
more than I thought possible,
I fear it almost too difficult to do again
but I know I have it in me
– – but where? it is lost.
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Are you willing to understand it is not you,
that I cannot trust because of my own incompetence,
even though you should be the doubter if any.
I do not question your actions
just those thoughts (slinking in the background)
like many mens thoughts that have bruised me.

Are you willing to help me find what’s lost,
to ease these begging questions –
a void growing slowly,
a space between us
Are you willing to convince the broken?