Night Prowler

He pushes open the door with a vengeance,
the crack echoes in the hollow of my ear
A fear rushes up my veins but I shove it back down,
if I stay quiet enough maybe he won’t know I’m home.
As I sit huddled beneath the blankets I clamp my eyes shut,
tighter I pull myself closer with the lights turned off
My music beats and drones out his approaching feet,
his voice is heard booming in the next room as I tremble
It’s late enough for me to be in bed so let’s hope he doesn’t disturb,
I hear his drunken snores off in the distance
– like a strange comfort.
Tonight Isis has heard my pleas and I got my solitude,
no need to be close to smell the whiskey on his breath.
Still, it scars and hurts on these lonely nights
I am forced to live in tosses of fear.
Every time I see him I feel my innocence being lost;
his hands up my dress and his stench on my neck –
a heavy body weight pushing down upon me.
The bones broken and bruises left,
they are nothing compared to this now twisted mind.
His touch will always burn me,
his eyes will always rape me,
his voice will always shatter me,
his corruption murdered me long ago.
I will never be safe in the middle of the night.

Forever Broken

the flight of stairs doesn’t go any further
this is good because how much more can my body take?
How much more do I want it to take?
shaking crucifixes dance wildly in my mind
(God will forgive us, he always does).

hands slither down my sides
a tongue rapes my mouth, my acts dead in reply
fleeting feelings of love are wisped away
Thoughts of handholding melt through my fingers

I feel bad because it feels good
the needle still nestled in my veins
his face buried deep between my legs
this shouldn’t be happening
– oh well I lost my innocence sometime ago.

I hear faint whispers, “I love you”
Finally, salvation
No – he will not make love to me
He’ll use my body too in a different kind of way
even if he doesn’t mean to.

“I was made for you”
the only one that would treasure this body
Make love to it with no thoughts of fetish
and it turns out I cannot bring myself
to be with him – I cannot reciprocate.

blood fills my nostrils
hate breaths air deep into my lungs
from this death I will not succeed
here I am for all of humanity
(to use, abuse and bruise)

its worse because it feels good
too good.
I punish myself for this
my body deserves this –
but does my mind deserve this pain?

I need to find sweetness
somebody to want my body
(and nothing else but me with it)

still i will continue to run
through this world with battered arms,
weakened limbs,
tired eyes,
lustful mind,
bleeding wrists,
tearing soul.