Breaking Point

Your hands can grasp
at fragile wristbones
tired from leaning on the pavement.

They can fight off words
capitalized in thick mud
where they sit waiting to be read.

A shallow breath can end
where a stranger on comes in
with a tide of hope attached.

Your deceit can infect
the cuts on the ground,
an insane gesture bleeding out.

This stick has to break
eventually it all goes too deep
we wonder what happens in the end.

To be lost in the snap
sent to the place where love
works in backward circles.

Where is your point
in this run towards doorknobs
that lead to uncertain questions?

I found mine dusted
beneath the floorboards
where the coke turns green.

False Directions

Left.
It is all marsh here, your feet sink in
Eyes feast on the carcass before you,
Your heart races and soul lengthens,
Disgusted with your true nature yet?
Time ticked away with the sun here,
A place less tred upon by sanity-
-pulsations pass through open wires.
All is falling downward, go back.

Right.
A hill so heavy and high you fail
To grasp your feet at its tip,
Forever forced to look upwards
At the place you can never reach.
Depression finds and cuts you,
Bleeding out the good and white,
Fear is certainly undefined,
Left to reach and break to pieces.

Forward.
Doubt fills this glass rapidly
A fire burns so bright your blind,
Pain clouds every part of your mind,
Complexities surround you.
Backwards? You know there is no such way,
You cannot even bear to look there,
Cowardice overpowers this heart,
Your lost within the decisions of yourself.

Unfinished Rantings of Hell

UNFINISHED DUE TO COMPUTER SHUTTING DOWN AND THEN ME LOSING FEELING FOR THIS ONE….WHICH IS THE ORIGINAL OF THE ONE BELOW. WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE SIMILAR PARTS TO THEM.

Your anger hit my like a brick,
I was left teetering on this edge
(remember the one I asked you to put me on?)

Too late, too long ago in a different place.
Left alone with battered lungs of dust,
How many more times can I lie to myself?
How many more nights can I pretend-
that these weren’t tears that stained my cheeks?

Hearing a tremble on the other end of this line,
you are regretting me and I am regretting me too.
Forgetting months passed like the seasons with them
Do you really think you can run that far and not fall down?

i will pull apart these structures,
shove them right back in your face
grieve until you notice me
Notice that I too am crippled from myself,
the harm just wasn’t done to you.

Life gets a little hard, how many times
have I said that one to you?
Instead of giving up and acting like a martyr,
why not help me off my feet so I can help you?
Distant hopes of future seem to shatter.

world slips around me and leaves me nude,
what is left is nothing I have ever experienced before.
My greatest fear is suddenly becoming truth.
It is all just because you do not feel like dealing,
with what you say is me and this harsh wind
Really are you that blind? open up your molten eyes,
the ones I have stared into so many times for hope.

It is everything, it is the world falling apart,
piece-by-piece it was neither you nor I
so to deal with it we can do it together.
No more raindrops will proceed through this door,
I will launch myself into attack and forget myself again.
Forget I exist, this happiness is but a feeble falsity.

My dust has been placed on the shelf, not guitars,
(their strings rusted off and fell to your bedroom floor-
the floor I gave myself up upon many times)
sweet kisses, touches left alone, whispers of promises…
You won’t find that anywhere else, undesirable.
Where will I find silence and solitude if not here?
oh, but life has plans for you and me together,
not apart which you seem so keen to place.

dances like fairies crippled wings float by my eyes,
you know the ones you cannot look into anymore,
We used to crash like dirt upon ocean seas.
Nothing is left of me anymore.

late nights of masquerades, sentences I string up no sense.
Substances forget my fragile state of mind,
friendships pass like fares to see you faraway
Of an abusive guardian, of rape, of blood, of unjustness,
these are the things I think about at night
(the ones that keep me up crying for all that time)

What Happens In My Head

just a blade, a little bit of blood – – please just a taste…
am I not a lot to have serenity, peace for just a moment?
Please, just a small little cut on the inside of my thigh…

you say you do not want to “deal” with my anymore,
neither do I. Nobody does. nobody every will want to,
but they do for a reason unknown to me.
To make themselves happy but when they have to make me happy-

Oh and what do I deserve? From experiences, nothing,
those late nights of sex and adventures in the woods,
The sheets I’ve come to rely so heavily upon,
the blood I hate that I want just like I want you.
Hatred for oneself will get us nowhere,
neither will pity for ourselves.

Acting like a fucking martyr of problems from life,
life is hard for everybody but what’s so bad about ours?

Memories of times too long ago to smell pulsate through me
Every single night when tears burn my chest with the vodka,
blankets pulled over my head as my nose bleeds lightly,
succumbed to a simple silent whimper in the night.

and What have you to cry over?

Short grasps of my hair left dead on my pillowcase,
the feeling of a guardian pushing their way inside of me –
a Distant hope gleaming too far off that turns its back,
Knives that cut into my leg with mercy of a reaper.
Friendships slip through me like water in the wind,
(nights like these who needs me to be?)
High school memories drip off like honey onto the pavement,
the one where He pushed me onto with a scream and sigh.

No regrets are to be had, I was already broken before he got to me…wasn’t I?

Did I break myself, at a mere age of 5?

Pressures of fingertips burning into my skin
Luscious tastes of fattened lips swollen from speech,
do my pleas and begging mean nothing to the world?

left alone, my greatest fear embarks from here on out.

I thought I had found salvation and happiness
(I knew it would take effort and time to reach glorification,
times have to get a lot worse before the sunlight shines)
Too bad He is not willing to see the shine when it’s now here,
I am pathetically on my knees here.

forget, forget, forget, forget.
I am begging you to forget stupid mind, stupid self,
I know I am stupid, it has been repeated thank you.
forget, forget, forget, forget.

something you say you cannot do anymore.

What is it you have to forget that torments you?

Years of intrusion and medical treatment,
deathly numbers of sickly nights that leap away from my head,
Un-promised failures rise and fall so quickly I can’t keep up,
TRYING but never GETTING THROUGH
to this deep dark place within myself I WANT TO RIP APART
Just so that you can stop doing what you’re doing.

stop everything from crying, bleeding, tearing down.

i will do anything to make all of this stop
(because I know you don’t care enough)
So what is it I have to do? WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO??
Forget another piece of myself, I can do that,
of course I can do that…..
…………………………….
…………another twig snaps somewhere in my head…………….
……………………………………

Just hold me in your arms again with tranquility,
Oh how proud you will feel of yourself and I of me.
To be like this when we once were dreaming of sailing away,
I to be your Wild Irish Rose
—- wilting, wilting, wilting into a place of mutilation and death.

you can kill somebody before they stop breathing
So I continue to breathe.

Let us hold each other really tight, so we don’t fall through,
I’ll do it as best as I can if you promise to do it too.
Trust will come and go but surely come back again for us,
Come on over here and stop behaving with such a fuss.

childish behavior, immature, not ready for this…

Love.

I love you, I really do. I love you, I love you.
We are in love with each other, not the ideas behind ourselves.
Don’t give up on that,,,,,,,what will I do after?

how can somebody with small to cry about,
small things to forget,
Give up so much easier than somebody
….who cries in torment of these memories every night?

Do you really want to get to that home of yours?
stop running away from it,
because it’s inside of twisted little old me.

A Plead

I feel collapsed upon this breath I take within my bed
my sheets are dabbed in stains of blood and you,
When will it end? My tired eyes cannot take anymore of this.
Just a little hug, a little touch upon your soft lips…
No, but I can’t. My limbs are growing weaker and my mind worse.
dance in my daylight so I can’t see when it’s night,
tearing down all bits of sanity left inside.
Lines of whiteness cover my nostrils for brief release,
of what? Of death and dying from the inside out?
Why has this happened to me, thoughts dangling downward,
snapping seems like the only solution as razors never worked.
Your depth in soul amazes me still to this day,
stolen away like the pattern on my ceiling
(one I know too well).
I am not asking you to leave me alone forever,
please just for now. I am begging you…

Somebody please come forward and rip me from this,
my mind is tortured like this beaten body.
My veins course what some never even see –
what decisions have led me to this place?
What decisions can bring me out of it?
I need help, a little hand just big enough to carry me
(only for a moment out of this hole).
I am surely begging you culprit…
please, do not leave me alone forever
– how could I ask you of that? isn’t this addiction?
just please leave me be for one moment,
my tired eyes need one nights rest…

Nuts and Bolts

So I get up. Lately the sun has beginning to scratch itself into my eyes and that has been my source of an alarm clock, this must mean spring is just around the corner. Pulling back my sheets I wash and dress to look like I look almost everyday but with something very subtle just to spice it up and keep those close around me on their toes. Vaguely I can recall what is being told to me, droned into my ears by some sort of machine everyday as I sit in a wooden desk only to get up and sit back down in another one. Tapping my pencil passes the dragging time.
Looking around at all the other blank faces, or those distracted by mutual boredom, I can feel my brain becoming a little more distorted each time and question everything I view around me. Why are we all sitting here when this machine looks at us as just another number, another letter, another bolt in their large desk that they think will get them somewhere. Maybe to some of these machines, we are another figure in their salary. I cannot help but think to myself of how depressing it is that I am actually seated calmly in these places five out of seven days of my week, spending my time doing what it is I do not feel necessary anymore. It is all just a veal-fattening pen so that they can prime us up and shove us into those neat little holes that have our specific numbers on them since birth, but so many people feel it right to blindly ignore this. Really, I am the one at a lose here because I can see the destruction of individualism within these instiuitions and it is driving me insane because I am forced to be in one of them. Forced to lay back and pretend everything will be alright whereas my insides are churning. When will a day arise when we no longer have to comply to the thoughts of our elders and we are able to do what we believe is right? This is not chaotic, it would just result in a truly free, individualistic society. I yearn for it, but I know that if I had it there would be little chance I would want to stay in it. Just as I, now, wish not to stay in this one.
Draping feelings of loneliness capture themselves in my eyes which begin to look dead behind faulty lines of make-up, they grasp for some kind of sanity in this daily life of routine and realism. Little escapes reach my fingertips on late evenings and short weekends in the form of metal strings, burnt pages, broken pencils, destilled laughter, soft kisses, and sheets of a substance that caress the soul I can only set free on the rare occasion.
Time slips like sand through my scrawny fingers that feel rather broken now. I guess I will have to let my feelings fade, this system will not change drastically anytime soon (even as everybody can now see the harsh effects of their actions). There will always be few of us who sit at the back of these classrooms with a contorted look on our faces as the teachers try to teach us something they barely have interest in themselves, questioning the reason for all of which is being shoved reluctantly into our heads. Will there ever be a time when the world will see true freedom and individualism? Is there a point where my eyes will befall on a true creative reality amongst human beings? Or will these strong vibrations of hope continuously be crushed and flattened by this machine? I cannot answer any of these questions, but I do know that I am not another bolt. I am a perpetual motion machine, restlessly trudging forwards throughout the mud begging for a long-lasting escape into a different dimension of self.

Lovely Snowfall

slithered down these halls like water,
weaving between all those logs,
They passed over me thinking I was just-
– another current condemned here.

All of these wooden doors are locked,
fending off my pleas to enter.
So he finds me swimming here;
lost beneath the tides of myself,
He presses his lips to mine
(slipping snow uncomfortably up)
My smell is tainted with nerves.

Problems phase by with trembles,
seeping out from under my skin.
I’ve lost myself in this place,
all the doors no open before us.
Oh, so the delinquency sets in…
We find ourselves fucking authority,
bracing life with fractions of love.

I can feel it in my head,
Pushing answers of subtlety forward.
He sauntered away with what was left.
Standing alone in these doorways –
the visions are too much for grays,
I have forgotten my name here.
There is no need for your salvation,

No longer lost amidst this chaos,
I create the waves around you.
There is this distant cry for help,
the snow will silence it.

Alone With Company

Tell me that I’m wrong,
that everything is just fine.
My life is at a stand still,
just give me the sign.
The one I saw so long ago,
in an old breakfast town
you never seem to regret,
when you get me this down.

Times fade from our hands,
warning me of my fragility
In this lonely desk-lamp room,
waiting for you to come to me.
Dancing on my insecure pain
you grin at this rain,
Daring me to go insane.
Your words fade with the wind.

I will do almost anything
for this not to be the end.
Fall from my sweaty grip,
leave me in this night to defend.
All of these tries are nothing,
the same as what is inside –
inside this twisted mind.
Tell me when you’ve lied.

Even when your arms are here,
(holding me like this feather)
Your voice is in my ear,
But are you really here?
Still by myself today,
an empty shell beside me
I put my love down to lay,
unable to go much further.

I simply think to myself,
this is it – all I have.
Everything begins to spin,
You must think I’m daft.
Treating me like I won’t notice
(or care that you’re not there)
when I need a loving feeling –
a touch that says you care.

Now is time to put things back,
put everything faraway
Scared that you won’t listen,
or what you might say.
Your thoughts in my head…
Well, they wish I were dead
Then those words on your lips…
the ones I wish you never said.

A Short Reprise of Youth

there he sits in disdain,
his hands keeping busy
With the class notes.

His beautiful green eyes,
they are nothing compared –
to the mind inside.

Shoved down by society
begging for a way out,
his lips barely moving
as he says;

“Lives fallout before me
graceless at their feet.
They think too far,
too deeply into
what they see at first.

If I could scream
I would
Scream, Scream, SCREAM
until my throat goes numb.
To get this across,
stop the judges now.

They don’t know how much they hurt.”

Simple Words

These words so foreign to my lips.
When will my voice be able to say it?
I hope it will soon come to me,
just like the way it falls from your tongue
Every night i hear its precious truth,
Still I cannot seem to simply speak.

The time you are not around me
It flows like a raging river,
crashing at the shores of people;
their shoes drenched with the phrase.
The strangest part is that it comes from me.
They all appreciate these false words

I remember a time when they were familiar,
passed off with a smile and their truth.
When they fall from my mouth before you,
can you not tell of all their simplicities?
The way my voice carries them lightly,
their faltering steps between what is real.

For now I will respond in silence,
thanking you for your honesty
The reasoning escapes me too;
of why everything is so new to me,
why I lost the ability to be genuine,
why I cannot say “I Love You”

anymore.